In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I want to share my own story of loss and hope through God’s boundless love.
On Mother’s Day of 2012, I miscarried my second pregnancy at ten weeks. It was the most painful trial of my entire life. It tested not only my faith but my strength. I was in the middle of my darkest tempest and couldn’t see that our Heavenly Father was standing at the end of it with His hand stretched out ready to calm my storm—like the disciples that went into a ship with Jesus to get to the other side of the lake.
But as they sailed he fell asleep: and there came down a storm of wind on the lake; and they were filled with water, and were in jeopardy.
And they came to him, and awoke him, saying, Master, master, we perish. Then he arose, and rebuked the wind and the raging of the water: and they ceased, and there was a calm.
And he said unto them, Where is your faith? And they being afraid wondered, saying one to another, What manner of man is this! for he commandeth even the winds and water, and they obey him.
Where was my faith? In the hole of grief and hopelessness, but our merciful and patient Father understood this—He was always there. I now understand that it was all part of God’s master blueprint for my journey. After all, isn’t HE the grandest architect? HE emptied my hands, but had a plan of hope and redemption. It was a difficult lesson that taught me to trust HIS will when we do not understand—even if we feel like we cannot go on.
I will never forget what my eldest son (who was four years old at that time) said at my OBGYN’s office when the Dr. announced there was no heartbeat.
“Mommy, please don’t cry! A piece of our family is in heaven now. God needed the baby back.”
It took six months to conceive again, but God’s timing is perfect. I found out I was expecting again on the exact due date of my lost baby. My tears were a mix of bittersweet joy. I reached for my Bible, opened it to Isaiah 66 and instantly my eyes fixed themselves on verse 9.
Shall I bring to the point of birth and not cause to bring forth?” says the Lord; “shall I, who cause to bring forth, shut the womb?’ says your God.
This third pregnancy was another big trial. For the first four months I thought I would miscarry once again. The doctor was baffled at what was going on and could not explain the circumstances. I was placed on bed rest, but I dragged myself and my son to church one Sunday morning. I was tired of living in a constant state of affliction and sadness. I feared deeply that I would once again lose a baby. The word that day at church through the Holy Spirit was Luke 1. It was a promise, not only confirming that one day I would hold my child, but that God was giving me another baby boy. The brother I had been praying to one day give Ethan. Praise God!
But the angel said unto him, Fear not Zechariah: for the prayer is heard; and thy wife Elizabeth shall bear thee a son, and thou shall call his name John.
And thou shalt have joy and gladness; and many shall rejoice at his birth.
For he shall be great in the sight of the Lord, and shall drink neither wine nor strong drink; and he shall be filled with the Holy Ghost, even from his mother’s womb.
My husband was traveling that weekend with the ministry of our church. An Elder from Brazil was the one who attended the service that Sunday morning. When my husband returned that night, I couldn’t stop talking about the wonderful promise God made about our unborn son. Suddenly, the name Joshua came to my heart and I reached for my Bible. I opened it to exactly the book of Joshua verse 9.
Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.
Elizabeth’s Happy Ending
When Josh was born it felt like the most magnificent victory from The Lord. That one last push and I saw him! My eyes filled with endless tears of gratitude and all I could think about was Elizabeth and God’s great love.
Now the time came for Elizabeth to give birth, and she bore a son. And her neighbors and relatives heard that the Lord had shown great mercy to her, and they rejoiced with her.